what makes a thesis sentence wordy

Module 7: Drafting a Research Paper

What makes a thesis statement work, learning objectives.

Recognize the qualities of a strong thesis statement

A good thesis statement packs a lot of punch into a relatively short sentence. If you’ve done your job, the reader should be able to get your topic, claim, argument, and main points, all from one clear statement. There are a few key components to watch out for when evaluating whether or not you’ve written a strong thesis.

A Strong Thesis Statement ADDS UP:

You should be confident in your argument. Don’t use phrases like “I feel” or “I believe” – these will weaken your argument and convey to the reader that you are the only person who feels the way you do. You should take an authoritative stance to persuade your readers to accept your argument and open their minds to what you have to say. There’s no room to be wishy-washy when it comes to a thesis, especially not in an argumentative paper. You need to come in with a firm stance and assert your conviction. After all, if you don’t stand behind your argument, why should the reader?

• This statement leaves a lot of wiggle room and doesn’t really sound like even you are totally sold on this concept. A pros and cons approach ends up feeling more informative than it is persuasive.
• Every good persuasive paper should acknowledge the opposition, but the trick is to demonstrate to the reader that your claim is still the best option. The above statement establish a firm but realistic stance.

Descriptive

Many writers are afraid of “giving it all away” in their introduction and thesis. After all, why would the reader keep going if they know what’s going to happen? Perhaps this is a result of watching too many M. Night Shyamalan movies. When it comes to academic writing, it’s important to lay it all out for your audience so they have clear expectations of what you’re going to cover in your essay.  This is not to say that you need to go in-depth with your intended points, but you do want to show your readers what your paper is about and why it’s important.

• While this thesis makes a strong assertion, can likely be proven through research, and has a strong focus, it’s unclear how reading can actually benefit students. Including a brief mention of the paper’s main points gives the reader a much better idea of what to expect and shows foresight and planning on the part of the writer.
• In this revised thesis we have the same core argument — reading is good for kids — with the addition of how it’s good for them. This gives the reader an idea of how you’re going to prove this argument and the general structure of the rest of the paper.

To determine whether your thesis statement is debatable, ask yourself: could someone disagree with this statement from a position other than “because I say so”? If not, then your thesis probably isn’t debatable.

• Although a reader could disagree with this statement from their own point of view, the argument wouldn’t get any further than “no they’re not… yes they are…”.
• Someone could look at the same set of evidence (the analysis of camera movements) and find a different cause or explanation.

Substantiated

For any claim you make in your thesis, you must be able to provide reasons and examples for your opinion. In some cases (such as a personal essay), you can rely on personal observations to support your claims, but for most research papers you’ll be consulting outside sources. In most academic fields, you should primarily rely on peer-reviewed sources.

• You may believe a claim like this strongly, but there’s no way to prove it within the logical context of a research paper.
• This claim can be substantiated by passages from the books.

A strong thesis statement needs to express one main idea. Even if there are several sub-points, the main idea should be singular and unified.

• This thesis takes us in two directions: an argument about MLM and pyramid schemes, and an argument about the potential benefits of MLM.
• This thesis connects both pieces into one main idea. The difference between MLM and pyramid schemes becomes a sub-point of the claim that many companies fail to see the potential benefits of MLM strategies.

A thesis statement must be precise enough to allow for a coherent argument and to remain focused on the topic. Don’t make a potentially complex idea even more confusing by trying to cover too many topics. It can be easy to get off track in an effort to be as thorough as possible, and if your thesis is unfocused, the rest of your paper will be, too. Similarly, if your thesis is too broad, it’s going to be difficult to develop a solid argument throughout your essay.

• This thesis covers too much ground and leaves the reader with more questions than answers. What kind of animals? What constitutes “ethical”? According to whom? This statement is too unfocused to give the reader an idea of what the paper is actually about.
• This statement provides enough detail to make the terms and boundaries of the argument clear.

Pitfalls To Avoid with Thesis Statements

• Elements of a Thesis Statement, Pitfalls to avoid with thesis statements. Authored by : Jennifer Lapum, Oona St-Amant, Michelle Hughes, Andy Tan, Arina Bogdan, Frances Dimaranan, Rachel Frantzke, and Nada Savicevic. Located at : https://pressbooks.library.ryerson.ca/scholarlywriting/chapter/elements-of-a-thesis-statement/ . Project : The Scholarship of Writing in Nursing Education: 1st Canadian Edition . License : CC BY-SA: Attribution-ShareAlike
• Thesis statements. Provided by : Lumen Learning. License : CC BY: Attribution